"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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