shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
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