I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
