If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
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The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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