i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
