yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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