I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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