You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Ladies don't puke and tell
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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