btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
