He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If I die, sorry about rent.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
