im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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