At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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