There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
