My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm passing your future prison.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
its liver damage thursday
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