This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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