Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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