so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
