I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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