Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
