I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
