I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Randomize
