I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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