Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
