She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
