Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
