I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
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does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
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My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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