Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
