just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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