he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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