I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
