Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
