I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
