a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The struggles of a small town man whore
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
