Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
