Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
