I cannot find my penis.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
