i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
