I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
