another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
