Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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