i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
