Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
