I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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