Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
