her vagine was all disorganized.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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