i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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