I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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