i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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