Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
