I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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