Your mouth is God's brothel.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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