I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Of course I have a pirate flag
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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