I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
