her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
